Jokes compiled by Dr. Stanley Vasu

Here are some comments about the Old Testament written by Sunday School students who need to spend more time on their homework:

• In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, the Lord got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
• Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.
• Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
• Noah built the ark and the animals came on in pears.
• Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
• Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.
• Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
• Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
• The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
• The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.
• The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
• Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.
• The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him
• David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical times.
• Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

King Arthur
********
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death....

The question: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll verybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, and the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch. Only she would know the answer. The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry him.

Young Arthur was horrified: She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, and made obscene noises. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature.

Finally, having no real choice, he agreed. Their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom.

What a wedding Arthur and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. He was proper as always, gentle, and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable.

The hour approached. Arthur, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! The astounded Arthur asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half she would be her beautiful maiden self.
Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night? What a cruel question! Arthur pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do?

What Arthur chose follows below......but don't read until you've made your own choice.......

.
.Noble Arthur replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story?

The moral is If your woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get ugly!

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A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain..."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets
back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say...,"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell.
"I'm the groom."

*******************************************************************

A pastor with poor eyesight glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.

The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his
safety."

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to
see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

****************************************************************

A college professor, an avowed atheist, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there was no God.

Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform.
I'll give you 15 minutes!"
The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall. Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."

His countdown got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine - just released from active duty and newly registered in the class - walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent
him tumbling from his lofty platform.

The professor was out cold! The students were shocked and babbled in confusion.

The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell silent...waiting.

Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

"God was busy. He sent me."

***********************************************************

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

"What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over.
I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night", said the officer.

****************************************************

A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their birthdays on the same date. During
their 60th birthday celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would grant them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and 'poof' she had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a
woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy picked up her wand, and 'poof' he was 90 years old.

********************************************************

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even
looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO
WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back!

He saddles up and starts to ride out of town.

The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go...what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

*************************************************

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."

*********************************************************************

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady
following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just
that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."

"That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "as I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good bye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he
asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

***************************************************************

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along came St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is
very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."

Life After Death

Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir." the new recruit
replied.

"Oh, well that's okay then!" said the boss.
"Because after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"

*****************************************************
The Know-it-all

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly,
elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy.
And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.Williams, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to
baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counsellors to the bench. In a
very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for
contempt within 5 minutes!"

******************************************************
Good Old Fred

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol'Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned
frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece
of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket
pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that
he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

******************************************************************
Have Faith My Child

For the umpteenth time Mrs. Youngston came to her pastor to tell him, "I'm so scared! Joe says he's going to kill me if I continue to come to your church."

"Yes, yes, my child," replied the pastor, more than a little tired of hearing this over and over. "I will continue to pray for you, Mrs. Youngston. Have faith - the Lord will watch over you."
"Oh yes, he has kept me safe thus far, only....."

"Only what, my child?"

"Well, now he says if I keep coming to your church, he's going to kill YOU!"

"Well, now," said the pastor, "Perhaps it's time to check out that little church on the other side of
town."

**********************************************************************************

Last Wishes

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Rachel, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful,
considerate, and wonderful man her late husband had been.

"My Sidney thought of everything", she told them. "Just before he died, he called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Rachel', he told me. 'I have put all my last wishes in these three
envelopes. After I am gone, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Knowing you'll do this, I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket'. So
I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very
comfortably.

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral'. I made
Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods."

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.

"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'.

At that point, Rachel held up her hand and pointed to her ring finger, on which was a gorgeous ten carat diamond ring.

"So?", said Rachel, "You like my stone?"

***********************************************************
The Saint

In a small town, there were two brothers who, over the course of many years, cheated, swindled, robbed and generally stole from everyone that they ever did business with.

The entire town and surrounding community reviled and despised these two brothers as everyone was aware of just how disreputable and dishonest they were.

One day, one of the brothers mysteriously died.

Although they had never attended church, the one remaining brother went to the local pastor and offered vast sums of money if he would come to the funeral and say the appropriate words, AND, a large bonus, but ONLY if he would - during the course of the eulogy -refer to his brother as "a Saint."

The pastor was troubled by the request, however, it was a very poor church and the church desperately needed repairs.

The Parishioners had heard about the pastor's dilemma and were curious as to what he would do.

The Funeral began, the church was packed, and the pastor started with the usual prayers and followed
the rites and traditions as required by the churches teachings. In closing, after referring to the man in the box, he paused and turned to face the remaining brother.

He began, "As you all know, the departed was an awful individual who robbed, cheated, swindled and
stole from everyone he ever did business with.

However, compared to his Brother, he was - "a Saint!"

***********************************************
Delivering Bad news Sensitively

Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll have to inform his wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.

After two hours he returns, carrying a large pizza. "So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.

"Yep", replies Bob.

"Say, where did you get the pizza?"

Bob informs Jeff. "She bought it for me."

"WHAT??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she bought you a pizza?"

"Sure," Bob says.

"WHY?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'

So I said: "I'll bet you a pizza you ARE!'"

********************************************************
Do Something Nice For Dad

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told
him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which
he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out
what was going on.

"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."

********************************************************
Dangerous Food

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake"

*******************************************************
Drunk on the Subway

A drunk man who smelled like cheap wine sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be hornswaggled," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I
didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

**************************************************************
A Long Night

A drunk phoned the local police department to report that thieves had been in his car. "They have stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time, and the same
voice came over the line.

"Never mind," the drunk said with a hiccup. "I got in the back seat by mistake."

****************************************************************
Confessional Troubles

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.

The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

************************************************
A Bad Day

A little guy is sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink for about a half-hour. A big trouble making
truck driver comes up to him, takes the drink from the guy, and drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy
you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important
meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.

I got home only to find my wife was with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. When I was
thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."

**********************************************
Want to Go to Heaven

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do
you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole
and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to
heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

***************************************************
Give Me A Push

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at
his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back
up to bed and tells his wife what happened.
"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you," she says.

"Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the
babysitter, and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help
him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts,

"Where are you?"

"I'm over here," the stranger replies, "on your swing."

*******************************************************
All Booked Up

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non- antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every
opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable for the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly
reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter
their feelings toward her demanding ways...

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they
walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"

********************************************************
Pa Won't Like It

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Awe, come on," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish !" the neighbour said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

***************************************************************
About That Donation

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity.
Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no." "--or that my brother, a disabled veteran,
is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "--or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I don't give any money to them, why should I
give any to you?!?"

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Reasonable Doubt

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at
his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed.

Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But, you all looked on with
anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retired to
deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked, but your client didn't."